My First Lucid Dream - Escaping the Matrix

I dream every night. Every. Single. Night. To those of you that don't remember your dreams, you may be thinking "how exciting" or "I wish I could remember my dreams" but that has not been my experience.

Most of my dreams are nightmares. There are scary nightmares and then there are conflict nightmares. I spend my nights in arguments, fights to the death, and other stress inducing battles. I wake up exhausted. I have at least 3-4 dreams that I remember each night. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. I kind of hate it.

Sure I learn some interesting things in my dreams. While I was in college, I never "studied" calculus or any tough subject because I would dream about them all night. That's 7 or 8 hours of calculating. I usually woke up understanding it very well and solving anything that bothered me. I've seen things that helped me understand issues in my waking life and I've even met my future self (maybe.) That future self had a lot of advice for me. We talked nicely at first and then argued because I could not accept her advice. Plus I couldn't get over how small I looked in the future and the white hair! My old self was in her late eighties and unfortunately had memory issues. We had lots to discuss....

My husband has always thought my dreaming was crazy. Because he doesn't dream. I explained to him that my dreams at night are almost as real as my waking life. The only differences are the speeds at which topics can change, some crazy random details, and the fact that I can often be multiple people or see the dream from multiple peoples perspectives - experiencing their feelings and everything. Other than that, it's real. I wake up angry after a dream fight. I wake up with my heart racing after a battle. And it takes hours for me to get over the losses, the heartaches, and the suffering.

Most of my friends consider me to be wise or an "old soul" and I tell them it's because I have lived twice as long as them. I am alive all night and have experienced so much.

But last night was the first time that I have ever experienced a lucid dream. EVER. It was strange. I am going to run through it from start to finish because maybe some of the extra details are important.

My husband was sick and his moaning woke me up at 3:30am. I went to check on him and found him downstairs in pain. I tried to help him but there was nothing I could do. I talked to him for awhile but then went back upstairs. When I got upstairs my phone made a beep noise to tell me I had a new email. So I checked it.

I laid down to go to sleep but realized I wanted to respond to that email. So I left my room and opened up my computer. I typed the email sometime around 4am and then walked into another room to straighten something I had forgotten to do earlier in the day. My husband came back upstairs around 4:30 and so I went to bed. I tried talking to him but he fell asleep. The last time I looked at the clock was 4:41am.

My mind was quiet and I was still but my brain was showing me pictures in fast speed. Fast enough that I could not really see faces or make out much detail. It ran me through a row of brick houses then down continuous flights of stairs. Long flights of stairs.

I've only had this "fast movie reel" two other times. Once when I was trying to learn how to meditate (not successfully) and one other random time before I fell asleep.

 In the past I tried to focus on the "movie reel" because I didn't understand what was happening and I wanted to figure out what was going on. That made the movie stop. I am saying "movie" because it's like a movie strip. No sound. Just continuous footage. Usually faster moving than I would like because I can't focus on the details.

Anyway, last night I just let the movie play. I didn't think about what was happening or try to understand it. I just let it happen. Then I fell asleep. Or maybe I was sort of asleep already? The first aspect of the dream started with me in my living room.

My real living room where I currently live. I heard a noise like a bull dozer and I ran to look out the window. Sure enough a bull dozer had ran through my yard and made a road between my tree line. I was angry about it but not for long because I noticed that when I closed my eyes the road would change. It would be one road, then two roads.

None of it made any sense because having a road go through my yard wouldn't make sense in the neighborhood lay out. I said to myself "when I close my eyes, the road changes. That's so weird. I must be dreaming." Then the scene changed and I was outside a house - sitting in a car. The house was unfamiliar. The car too. But when I looked at the house it would change. There were 4 squares on the house - like signs - with symbols represented by deer. I felt like the 4 deer were a code I should be trying to figure out but every time I looked at them they changed. They changed quickly and it didn't make sense. I felt like it was the same "dream feeling" with the roads. Then the car started driving. This is when I had a "holy shit" moment.

You see, one of my scariest recurring dreams involves driving. Whenever I drive in my dreams, it always happens. The brakes stop working and the car accelerates on it's own. What usually happens is hours of wild driving around curves and over cliffs. Me steering, me not being able to brake. Me driving at high speeds. I never drive at high speeds around corners. I hate this feeling. I hate everything about this nightmare and I hate that it happens so often.

So as soon as the car started to move, I could feel the sense of dread. I knew what was about to happen and I thought "not this again." Then I realized - "I'm dreaming right now so I don't have to deal with this." I decided I would open the car window and fly out of it. Yes, fly out of it. I have never in my life had a flying dream and I thought why not. I could not get my hand to open the window and that's when I realized "my hands!" I told myself to look at my hands.

It took what felt like ages for my hands to come up to my face. In real life, I can just lift them up. Easy peasy. Not in the dream. My hands came up all slow and when they got to where I could see them there was something wrong with them.

They were heavy and they were really white and maybe translucent or the tips were missing. I didn't get to see them long because as soon as I noticed them I was out of the car. I went "up" but I didn't go through the car. The car just didn't exist anymore and I didn't fly. I was just taken there. I wound up in what I would call a shadow land. It was grayish green - cloudy or hazy.

There were black forms moving around. Not wiggling just moving laterally. I felt that they were something I should be afraid of but thought to myself that since I was dreaming I might as well see all there is to see. I wanted to look at them or talk to them but it wasn't to be. I sensed that "they" were disappointed in me.

There was no talking, I just understood that they were disappointed in my inability to solve the problem. It was more specific than that but it is an area that is deeply personal to my real life and an area where I have failed in real life. I thought I was to solve this problem for one reason, but it turns out I was to solve it for a totally different and surprising (dare I say, amazing) reason. But in real life I did fail at this and I got the sense that it was over. No redos.

I then entered through a dark space and came into a living room with people. I sat down on someone's lap. This bothered me greatly. I didn't know who the person was. I kept wondering if it was a boyfriend or husband or something. I felt uncomfortable. The people were sitting in a circle. I looked to my left at the person that was talking. It was a dad with 2 children. They were all Latinos.

The dad was really talking and I understood that he was talking about a game we were all playing. I did not listen to the words. Instead I looked into his eyes and my body felt a sheer terror. I realized that this man (though completely different) was my dad. My same dad that I have now. For reference, my family is Caucasian and all of my siblings are full grown.

Then someone was kicking my feet. I reactively said "stop it Jix" I looked down at a blond haired boy - maybe 6 or 7. He was Jix. Jix is a nickname I call my little brother in my real life.

I realized that this family was my family. I started to wonder about whose lap I was sitting on. I got up and walked to the left - out of the living room and into a little den space. There were children's toys piled in the corner. There was a play kitchen and a bunch of toys that I did not recognize. There was a plastic case - almost like that backpack character from Dora the explorer but pink and with a very different face. And round. I did not recognize it. I thought to myself "am I in a parallel world or another life?" I looked back and saw the man whose lap I was sitting on. He appeared Caucasian, heavy set, and bald. He was kissing a woman. I realized then that he was not my husband or boyfriend. Maybe an older brother or uncle.

It was evening time in the house and I turned again to look around the "toy den" and I saw my reflection in the window. I was a 10 or 11 year old girl. I thought I looked chinese or latino or some combination. I had crimpy long hair and deep brown eyes .I knew it was ME.
At that moment 6:20 am, my son came into my room and announced that I needed to get up to make waffles. HOLY SHIT! 

I woke up wide eyed and freaked out. I was still reeling from the attempted "highway of doom nightmare" and the shadow land revelation and the girl in the window. I was her. Or I am her. Or I don't know.

I'm actually afraid to go to bed again. On the one hand, I really want to see what other things I can learn if I can really go to other places. What I can see that I've never seen before. What can I do? What can I figure out?

But I don't really want to delve into other lives. I don't want to be that girl with the same dad that I have now. I know his spirit, and even though he was smiling in that moment, if he is really MY dad, then I know it's not going to be good experience. And I know the creepy vibe I got from the guy who's lap I was sitting on. I don't want to explore what might really be going on. I felt sadness in that girl. Fear.

Then again - I wonder what it all actually means. It's possible this girl and her family are in another country. Maybe I just drifted in to experience her life. Maybe that's why I don't recognize the characters. Since there were plastic toys, this experience would have to be from the modern era. This is not a "PAST past life." Could it be a parallel universe? Could my soul be split and living in multiple bodies? Does it mean nothing at all?

If it does mean something - why do I have my same dad again! And why my brother? None of my other sibs were there, nor my husband or my children. Why was I just with them? If I have some choice in my life - why would I choose to keep living with my dad knowing the type of suffering that results.

So many questions. I don't know if I can recognize I am dreaming again, but if I can, I have so many questions to find answers for. Who knows what will happen next.

If anyone has experience with this sort of thing, I would appreciate input.

1 comments:

Nattmenneske said...

It is awesome that you had a lucid dream! The random movie you describe is called hypnagogic hallucinations. It is actually quite common. Whenever I experience this, it is a relief, because it means I'm finally falling asleep!

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Thank you for your comments! I appreciate all your tips, advice, and well wishes!

Angela

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