Sending my son off to school has been one of the most frustrating (and exhausting) experiences of my life. Ever since his first day in kindergarten, we've been waging an uphill battle against his hatred for school.
I'm not going to sugar-coat it: my son hates school. As a concerned and involved parent, I have tried everything I can think of to change it around for him.
I can't tell you the number of books I've read and websites I've visited: looking for the way to motivate an unmotivated student. We've held numerous play dates and parties.
We joined an all boys book club. I spend every evening working on homework, spelling, writing, and reading. He's met with the school counselor and worked on improving friendships. I've even made his lessons and spelling words into visually focused games.
I regularly communicate with the teacher to make sure he's not falling through the cracks.
He's a shy kid and could easily fade into the background. In fact, he'd prefer it! So I keep the teacher informed of the positive progress he's been making at home so she can reinforce it at school. She calls me when she sees him recycle his spelling test instead of bringing it home. We're working hard and have made considerable progress.
He's a much better reader now.....but he still hates school. It's a constant source of conflict in our home. Both because of the battling and also because my father was the same way. My parents were high school dropouts. My dad hated school from day one and spent his entire school career wanting to escape.
He's suffered financially and emotionally ever since. I will NOT let that happen to my children. My husband and I are very motivated people and I honestly think that makes it harder to understand my son's lack of motivation.
When I saw the title "
The Shut-Down Learner - helping your academically discouraged child," I knew I had to read this book. Within the first few pages, I knew this book was talking to me.
Right away, it outlines the symptoms of a Shut Down Learner:
- A sense that your child is disconnected, discouraged, unmotivated
- Fundamental skill weaknesses (reading, writing, spelling) and lowered self esteem
- Avoidance of homework and school tasks
- Dislike of reading
- Hatred of writing
- Little to no gratification from school
- Increasing anger toward school
Every single sign fits my son to a tee. Now, you might think it's because he's one of the youngest in his class. Maybe. But I think that's a poor excuse. I think it has more to do with his personality. Or maybe something else. He may be the youngest, but he can read and compute as well as the 8 year olds. He is also very mature and composed for his age.
We could certainly "hold him back," but it would most likely cause more harm than good. He's smart enough to know that repeating a grade is
failing. And if he didn't dwell on it, other kids would surely bring it up to him.
He may have the "f**k you attitude" but he is respectful and obedient enough not to act that way towards his teachers. At home...that's a different story.
So I wanted to
read this book and figure out how to
save my son. Here's what I've learned:
This type of issue (battling over homework, a disinterest and hatred for school, etc) is common and if not caught early can become a serious issue. Like many of the books I have read on raising and motivating boys, it emphasizes the fact that schools just aren't set up for visual/spatial learners.
That's okay - for the most part - but you need to know how to work with your child to make their school days more success rather than failure. There are tips in this book, but also a lot of stories and information to help a parent's understanding of the issue.
The best thing this book does is give you (as the parent, teacher, adult) an idea of what is causing the problem and how the student actually feels.
People are quick to shovel drugs for every single problem (weight loss, learning issues, everything!) but this book isn't like that. Surely, there are some people that require drug therapy. I know my son is not one of them.
Check it out if you have a Shut-Down Learner in your family. They can be boys and girls. It's never too late to change the course of someone's life.
I'm glad to have found this information early on and will be working with my son diligently to make sure he doesn't completely "shut-down."
From our own experience, I'd like to share with any parents out there what has and what hasn't worked for us.
What hasn't worked:
- Yelling
- Rewards
- Blaming each other
- Bribes
- Suggesting that he's lazy or just needs to be motivated
- Punishments
- Letting him take control over his own education
What has worked:
- Making reading fun. We gave him a light to read in his bed at night. He can only use it to read. So he uses it to read and stay up SUPER late. But it's all good...he's been reading a lot of books!
- Praise for the areas he is good at (building, making crafts, staying focused, running, listening...even reading!)
- Practice, Practice, Practice. He has a writing journal and writes books for our cat. Any writing practice is good and when it's not wrought with fighting and frustration, it's so much better.
- Spending quality (not homework fighting) time together
- Supervising homework from start to finish - without fighting, but trying to help him keep a focus and work through the reading one bit at a time.
- Making time for outside activities and things he enjoys or can feel like a success doing.
All-in-all, it's an uphill battle that is easy to lose. I intend to stick it out (though I often feel like quitting and running away) and help my son to succeed.
Also, keep in mind that not all students are A-students. Not everyone is going to be a high profile litigator or neurosurgeon. The world needs all sorts of workers. But school doesn't have to be a miserable, constant source of failure. No matter what they do (in school or in life) try to teach them to do it with excellence. And remember to praise their successes, and teach them to brush off the failures. By the way, I'm giving this advice to myself. ;)
