So sad....

I'm feeling exceptionally sad today. I think it has a lot to do with my lack of control over my own health. Or maybe it has to do with the nature of the disease itself. Depression is listed as one of the symptoms of MS. I suspect that's because of the helplessness of the disease. And the frustration with not being able to stop it.

I've been having so many more symptoms lately. My right leg has been numb all day and I've been having more and more issues at night. I feel so tired, and I am just so annoyed. And some of the worst symptoms are back. One of the worst is what happens when I step into a store. It's most pronounced at Target and Walgreens, maybe because of they lights they use or the coloring of their stores? I haven't figured it out.

When I walk into the store it's almost like I'm in a movie. I am no longer the center of what I'm seeing. People and objects move toward me in slow motion, but their associated sounds are at normal speed. It's scary when I see someone moving toward me at the wrong speed and then feel them brush past me immediately afterward. I try not to make eye contact with the cashiers because when they talk I have a hard time rationalizing the speed they are speaking when their mouths seem to move in slow motion. I often completely leave the conversation and it seems like I'm watching myself from behind. It's very scary and very unnerving. Two of my doctors are concerned that I may be having seizures, but of course have no explanation or ideas on how to prevent it.

It seems to be worse at Target and Walgreens, so I try not to shop there as often as I used to. This is hard for me because I love Target. When I enter other stores, I take a moment to relax and take a deep breath then I pray that I'll be able to make it through the store. I wondered if I was anxious about shopping? I wondered if I was overly stressed when my children are with me? So, I went shopping with no agenda and I went shopping alone. All the same things still happened.

I feel like I'm always in a haze. It's incredibly difficult for me to focus and remember. I'm tired and dizzy a lot. I wonder what other people must think of me. I look completely normal, healthy even, and yet I sometimes have difficult forming coherent sentences. I almost never remember events or details anymore. I must come across as a complete lunatic, but I'm not an unintelligent person. Or at least I wasn't. I graduated college at 20 years old with a bachelor is biochemistry, and a GPA of 3.86. I worked 4 concurrent jobs through college in order to graduate with very little debt. I excelled in the work world. I was fast, energetic and organized. And now I feel like a phantom.

And I feel so devastated because I thought all my efforts toward a healthy diet and exercising was helping. Recently, I've been reading a lot about MS and inflammation and I realized that even though I may have a lower systemic inflammation, my CNS (central nervous system--brain and spinal cord) can still be inflamed. So when I received my lab results with crp levels at almost zero, I thought I was doing great at lowering inflammation, thereby lowering my immune response and the damage of MS. It may not be the case. Is it because of the blood-brain barrier? Is there any way (aside from injecting myself) that I can do to lower the CNS inflammation? I just feel so frustrated.

I feel like I desperately need to exercise. I'm not sure if helps at all, but it's the only thing I feel like I can control. And I'm still clinging to the hope that it could lower the inflammation in my brain.

I am going to run first thing tomorrow morning and get back on track. There was no running this weekend because both of my children were sick. They are on the mend and I intend to get back on schedule before I end up getting sick. Such is the fate of a mom.


Jessica-MomForHim said...

Ang, I had NO idea this was going on with you! I was reading this and saying to myself, is this really the Angela I know? I am so sorry! Did I miss some colossal announcement? When did this all start? I wish I could do something, and I will pray. I wish I lived close to you so I could help. I am just in disbelief that this is happening to you!

Emelie said...

I'm new to your blog but feel such pain for you. How difficult this must be I can only imagine. I too hope that it can be overcome with your exercise and without injections. I too will pray for you.

Angela said...

Thanks for all the support. Please don't feel sorry for me. I'm fighting it and I'm still really blessed. I still have complete mobility and so many other things to be thankful for. Everyone has their "cross to bear" and this is just one of mine. :)

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